For me, living in indecision is one of the hardest things to do. Once I have a clear direction I can make it work…but when I’m toying with all possibilities, than every plan is just a hypothetical option. So far, my hypothetical options of the moment are stay in Utah or move to Nashville. The choice would seem obvious from any outside onlooker, but the inner turmoil I’ve been feeling about this decision has had me in hysterics! For me, this is a loaded decision – and it’s not just about where I live.
I haven’t known anything other than music. My childhood was filled with practices, pageants, traveling, sequins, dancing & singing lessons, acting, coaches, nannies, and performances. Natalee and I were always “different”, and our further advancement in the entertainment industry just pulled us further apart from being normal kids. I began writing songs when I was 8 years old, and then recorded my first CD and worked with my first producer (Jason Deere) at age 9. I had my first platinum hit in Brazil (sung by Wanessa Camargo) by the time I was 10 years old, and the hits kept coming until I was 13. I was constantly traveling between Utah and Nashville, and I began homeschooling in 6th grade. That continued up until my high school graduation, and even into college.
As much as I Ioved music, I also hated it because I felt like it made me live two lives. I would fly to Nashville, LA, and New York for Label/Disney/Nickelodeon meetings…then I’d come home and attempt to live an entirely different life. I grew up fast, and soon ran out of things in common with kids my own age. I felt I never lived either of my lives fully, and by the time I was 16, I was so exhausted from having two different identities that I just wanted to quit them both. It seemed there was always a record deal or some other big opportunity “in the works” or “just around the corner”. Those seemingly up-and-coming obligations prevented us from being a part of the activities that all of our friends were involved in, and pretty soon I didn’t feel a part of anything anymore.
That all changed when I got a scholarship to Berklee College of Music. It was one of the best experiences of my life. It saved me, and gave me a sense of balance that I had never experienced before. I was there pursuing what I loved (music), and for the first time in my life I had a group of friends that I felt at one with. I learned that having personal relationships and a social life was more important to me than success. Memories are the sweetness that give life meaning, and having people there who support and love you along your journey is what keeps you from feeling so alone.
Logan, Utah is definitely not the music capital of the world, but it’s the center of mine right now. Here I have a boyfriend I love, my family lives close, I still get to travel for music, communicate with my fans, and feel somewhat normal in the meantime. So will I move to Nashville? I don’t know. All I do know is that I can choose my perspective even if I can’t always choose the circumstances. I’ve learned a lot from my past, and I know that balance and living from a place of feeling centered is the most important thing to me. I’ve always dreamed that music would reach the potential I’ve envisioned, and I still hope it does…but not at the sacrifice of what I love most. I’ve already given up so much of myself for promises unfulfilled, and I won’t do that again. I no longer need “it” to happen in order to be happy. My happiness is a choice, and it is right NOW.
I don’t know where my tomorrows will take me, but I know that I will enjoy every second of it because I’m going to consciously choose to! Moment by moment! I will never give up who I am again because it’s just not worth it to me anymore. So, my goal for this decision process is to let it unfold naturally, to see the best in it all, to find something inside of the turbulence to feel grateful for, and soak up the goodness of life more fully so I can create space for more joy in my heart… because isn’t that what it’s really all about? It is for me. <3